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  • RT @slaughthie: Hi, Scotch? Yes, this tape was VERY disappointing.
  • Merry Christmas, you beauties! 21 is up, ready for you to sip Christmas Bailey's, and eat chocolate as you read. :)
  • RT @amishschool: I always forget which one of the wise men was "Moe".
  • RT @DamonHunzeker: Charles Manson's getting married to a 26-year-old. She's gonna drive him crazy.
  • RT @SamuelHLowe: Let's be honest, if women did come with an instruction manual, it’s not like we would read it.
  • RT @RichardAyoade: Merry Yule all!
  • RT @OneFunnyMummy: Only in parenthood is the question, "Do you want more toast?" answered with, "I have to poop."
  • RT @JesKeepSwimming: Some people say I'm narcissistic. Anyway, enough about them.
  • RT @McKnightyBoo: Him: *flirting* Nice side boob Me: *sarcastic* It's arm pit fat Him: *winks* It all feels the same in the dark Me: So …
  • RT @ScorpionDong: My grandfather Richard goes by "Grandpa Dick" and that's something no one should google
  • RT @AskAuntieEm1: Rage of the Yeti, on SyFy. This is what it's come to "Either we missed or the bullets have just bounced off." Brilliant d…
  • RT @greg_vee: Maybe your life is exactly as it should be and it's your expectations that are wrong.
  • RT @ChucklesDowner: today's the day. today's the day I finally destroy my body with food.
  • RT @UpturnedBathtub: This is my low point of 2014 "@JamievRyan: @UpturnedBathtub you look like my grandmother"
  • Anyone want to go back to Purgatory with James & Thalia? Merry Christmas! https://t.co/exsBmZ3sKV
  • RT @TheBoydP: If you're flirting with everyone then you're flirting with no one.
  • RT @50ShedsofGrey: She said she was turned on by men who lived dangerously. So I bought her present from the 24 hour garage on Christmas Ev…
  • RT @UpturnedBathtub: I call glitter "grated tinsel" and I don't have a friend
  • RT @Izianikapani: Kangaroos playing leapfrog. The one on top seemed stuck.
  • RT @DeadLioness: Thanks for offering me a ride home, but the chances of me getting in your moose antlers, Rudolf nose decorated car rhyme w…
  • RT @WildeThingy: Twas the night before Christmas and the word "twas" was trending worldwide.
  • RT @WildeThingy: Movie idea: Humanity wakes to find selfies no longer work. We follow a band of teenagers struggling to survive in this pos…
  • RT @Tups13: I may not be the smartest camel in the toolshed but when it comes to metaphors I've really got this one nailed to the syrup wit…
  • RT @ForeverHairy: Haven't received a single fruit cake. It's like my family is trying to find new ways to disappoint me.
  • Have you read 'the Younger Man'? Only on
  • Have you read 'Hitting The Jackpot on
  • MT @mommydean74 RT @RealJamesWoods Sharpton to have say over how Sony makes movies - Sony's corporate brilliance .. …
  • RT @ibid78: A montage of all the times the bottom fell out of the burrito as I'm about to take a bite, a mournful Coldplay song in the back…
  • RT @BromanConsul: met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light …
  • RT @NurseMurderer: Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
  • RT @JermHimselfish: *stares off into the distance* Distance: I have a boyfriend
  • RT @ibid78: *spits out chocolate milk* ALL SHOES ARE MADE FOR WALKING
  • RT @Home_Halfway: "Let's do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died" ~ Real…
  • RT @maebemarbles: *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note* "Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne." *Sant…
  • RT @ibid78: Interviewer: "describe yourself in one word." Me: "I am not good at counting. Wait that's two words."
  • RT @ibid78: Who called it a Rorschach test and not *looks at smudged ink stain on the palm of my hand* my dad's constant disappointment in …
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